The Hopeful
They don’t dismiss reality or put on blinders or rose-tinted glasses. They say, “This is hard” or “This is not right”. And then they say, “We can do better”.
Know yourself and do your best.
Matrescence
We seem to have jumped on a hamster wheel when it comes to prepping new parents for the arrival of their little bundle of joy. “Everything changes” is the shorthand we use to encapsulate the ways in which we have to adjust our external lives and make room for a baby. We are disinclined or unable to talk about the actual human evolution that is occurring:
Matrescence
First coined in 1973 by medical anthropologist Dana Raphael who also popularized the term “doula”.
It is the multifaceted and dramatic physical, hormonal, and emotional changes associated with becoming a mother.
We need to discuss the important role of hormones in growing, birthing, nurturing, and feeding our babies. And there is a neurobiological component for women who go through the hormonal changes of pregnancy. In other words, the maternal behaviors and emotions we experience in motherhood are rooted in our maternal brain development. There is a unique circuitry specific to motherhood. That is amazing!
Scientists are exploring the correlation between the amygdala response and maternal anxiety and a mother’s feelings toward her baby in general. The amygdala drives our emotional reactions like fear, anxiety, and aggression which is why it is often a point of focus in my reiki practice to help lower anxiety and stimulate relaxation. Researchers are looking into the way a mother’s brain lights up when she interacts with her baby, helping to connect the dots in cases of high maternal anxiety and lowered maternal response. Through this we can find more ways to support women in the crucial postpartum period.
This journey is more than welcoming a baby, it is an evolution in our womanhood. It is fascinating, intense, and a deep study in being human.
For a more in-depth look check out this article in The Atlantic: https://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2015/01/what-happens-to-a-womans-brain-when-she-becomes-a-mother/384179/?utm_source=atlfb
A common worry among parents: Am I coddling or spoiling my child with too much attention? Often this stems from the criticism/observation/unnecessary comment of another person. Before that moment we are prepared to love our babies more than we could have ever thought possible and our internal compass was working just fine. I like to encourage my families to create a bubble - you choose what is best for your family inside that bubble and leave the external opinions outside. There can be so much noise that it is difficult to hear our own hearts. So let me reassure you, you can't love too much.
The folks at Motherly wrote a beautiful article about attachment with our babies.
The Healing Art of Gua Sha
So I married a work hard, play hard kind of person. Before we met, (actually re-met as we attended PreK together and then didn’t see each other for 24 years until we started dating) as a younger person he rode and dumped his motorcycle countless times on his family farm. One time in his twenties he super-manned over the handle bars and landed on his shoulder. One week later he was involved in a roll-over car accident during which he braced his same arm and shoulder against the roof of his car. He has also damaged his ankle, rib cage, has flare ups of inflammation and arthritis in his feet and hands, works in a physically demanding environment, and he went through Lyme disease. All of this brings down my burly guy from time to time.
My work as a mother, birth and postpartum doula, and reiki practitioner can take a physical toll. Not to mention the impact of stress on the body. My problem areas are my neck and shoulders, it’s where I carry my stress. My posture over the years has also not been the greatest as I hunch over to snuggle babies, support moms in labor, and practice reiki.
I learned about Gua Sha from working at Orchid Chinese Medicine and Acupuncture. Gua Sha is a traditional Chinese medicine practice of scraping a smooth-edged tool over achy, tender, or knotted muscles. My coworker and I would take time in between patients to tend to our shoulders and necks when we saw signs of pain or stiffness in each other. It’s a practice I brought home for my husband and I to make part of our weekly if not daily routine.
There are a variety of tools out there - my husband and I chose the stainless steel for him and jade stone for me. To get started, lubricate the skin using an oil like sunflower, sesame, or white flower and then scrape or press stroke in one direction. This movement breaks up stagnant blood and toxins while increasing circulation and oxygen flow. Working on our necks, for example, I will start near the base of the skull and stroke down the neck to the upper or middle back, depending on what is hurting and what the red streaks tell me. Oh yeah, the red streaks. Don’t be alarmed. That shows the fluids and toxins being released and rising to the skin. The intensity of the reddening or bruising indicates the severity of the toxicity or stagnation. The redness will go away. Sometimes it takes a day or two.
Gua Sha can be very helpful for those achy muscles, chronic pain from inflammation, and lymphatic drainage as it breaks down tension and increases the free flow of healthy circulation in the tissues. Increasingly popular is facial Gua Sha to loosen muscle tension and decrease puffiness.
Before getting started check out an instructional video for some guidance like this one from Lanshin.
Happy Gua Sha-ing!!
Spilling the Milk
Late in my pregnancy, examining my very different body and contemplating the arrival of my daughter, it hit me - my breasts were about to become my baby’s food source. In all honesty, it gave me pause. At this time I was a birth doula and breastfeeding was a normal, natural part of my job. I helped new moms with their first latches. We celebrated the start of that beautiful relationship. But it was suddenly about to be my body and my baby, and I felt squeamish. It totally took me by surprise. I put it aside because my decision had been made. I was going to breastfeed. End of story.
My daughter finally arrived after a very challenging labor that ended in an emergency c-section and several drugs I was mentally and physically unprepared for. My rhythm was thrown off. The natural birth I had planned for went out the window. The stress and medications slowed my colostrum. My daughter spiked a fever and was away from me. They started her on formula. Through my haze I kept insisting she return to me to work on breastfeeding. She had a tongue-tie that was addressed immediately. We seemed to find our breastfeeding rhythm just as I was being discharged from the hospital.
Once home, the latch I thought we had established seemed to deteriorate. My whole body would clench in anticipation of her latch which was counterproductive to my milk supply. My little nightstand supported a collection of creams and pain relievers and nipple shields. And because my supply was so low I had to continue supplementing with formula while pumping to increase my milk. I had also developed postpartum anxiety. I was frequently on the verge of defeat.
But something had shifted. The thoughts about the foreignness of breastfeeding my baby were gone. So although I cried through an intense pumping schedule I told myself it was likely temporary. I accepted the part that the formula played while I worked on my supply. I wore her as much as I could and we co-slept with the thought that proximity would help stimulate my body. A friend delivered delicious dark and creamy beer and my husband found funny shows for us to watch while I pumped or breastfed. I was fortunate to have resources for different body work to support and relax me in my healing process. I was very lucky to have the support of friends, my mom, and in-laws so I could talk out my anxieties, rest, and focus on my daughter. In the end, we didn’t fully have our rhythm until she was well over a month. And then we continued until she was three. And that’s a whole other thing…
My eyes were opened to the critical postpartum period. I was surprised that no one seemed to talk about how intense it was aside from “things will never be the same”, or, “you’ll be tired all the time”. I immediately trained to be a postpartum doula and I try to meet my client families before the baby is due to talk about expectations, establishing good self-care practices, and connecting to resources, like a good lactation consultant and support groups. Although my fourth trimester was difficult I am grateful for it and have a deep appreciation for my breastfeeding journey and postpartum challenges.